


Castiel’s story about falling in love with himself

by gumbelievable



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester Mentioned, Emotional Health, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:47:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26589835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gumbelievable/pseuds/gumbelievable
Summary: Castiel has never fit in with most of the angels. He has tried coping by mentally and emotionally distancing himself from angels and humans that are critical of himself.This ficlet is him working through his emotional well being.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 8





	Castiel’s story about falling in love with himself

Ever since I was little, I always seemed to be different from the rest of my brothers and sisters. The angels that were critical of me were so sure of themselves and I was so doubtful. I had to be wrong not to agree with them and conform to their ideals. They told me I was wrong and they could say it with confidence, while my confidence hid from me or fled.  
  


I didn’t want to conform, and I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I needed a shield to protect myself. At some point, I began to cling to the belief, that the only the only person I can make change is myself. I thought those words sounded like salvation, and I worshipped them. I was exactly as my father intended me to be, and I recognized the angels critical of me were irrational. And if someone tried to bring me down, I mentally disengaged and retreated inside myself. I cannot change them. I cannot make them rational.  
  


Now I am old and I live with humanity, I have learned I don’t need a shield for the people critical of me that I hold on too. If they want to stay connected to me, they need to respect my boundaries. I won’t shut down to accommodate them.   
  


I share a profound bond with a human named Dean. I used to think that meant I had to weather his storms and make excuses for his temper. But that is not fair to either of us. I have told him that I control what I will accept. I say it with calmness, and I say it with confidence. I hope that he will change, but I will not attempt to cope with him if he cannot. I have learned to love and respect the person I am, despite all my initial doubts. The person I love is worth protecting.   
  


The negative criticism had turned into stress and took root inside me even when I had walled myself off. I realize my shield had actually never been a successful coping mechanism. But now the stress is finally ebbing away. I wasn’t aware how much it had been hurting me until it began to leave.   
  


I feel more than any of the other angels, and falling in love with myself has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. I hope more humans, angels, and cosmic entities develop healthy, tender, considerate love for themselves.   
  


And I really hope Dean falls in love with himself too.


End file.
